Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
