No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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