I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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