The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
