I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
