What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
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