I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
