As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
