Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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