"it" just moved
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
