You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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