My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Ambien. No doubt about it.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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