she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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