I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I wish there were birth control emojis
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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