i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We left the knife in your bed.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Randomize
