You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
