I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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