Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
