I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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