Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
