Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
