Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
