Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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