you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
