You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
