Having a random hookup so left but love u
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
