Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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