I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The air was thick with penises
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
