Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
