i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
