can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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