I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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