This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
