Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Randomize
