John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
