Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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