He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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