So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
