this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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