I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
