I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I stole a fireplace last night.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
