i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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