It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
