This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
