The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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