Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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