But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
