I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
