I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
