glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
no you cant smoke seaweed
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
